When Your Worst Nightmare Becomes Your Greatest Gift

On Jan. 22nd, 2017, my husband passed away from a sudden heart attack. He was 42 years old.

This left my 3-year old daughter and I alone, in a strange place, with strange people, on the worst day of our lives.

We had just moved from Windsor, Ontario, that December, to Whitecourt, Alberta. My husband and I had taken ownership of a No Frills grocery franchise that promised to give us some long-awaited financial freedom. Something he had been working towards for more than 20 years. I was going to work part-time in the office. It was a pretty awesome adventure that I was very excited and proud to be a part of.

Just 6 weeks later, I was packing up our entire lives again, to go back to Ontario. A 3-bedroom house, two cats, one dog, and two vehicles. Not to mention all the things that went with making his final arrangements...the sale of the business, cremation, death certificate, government documents, banking, choosing an urn, selling a house, selling his truck, and worst of all...telling my little girl that daddy would never be coming home. Try to explain that to a 3-year old. Then there was the issue of where we were going to live. We no longer had a home to go back to!

All this while also trying to mourn the loss of my life partner, a home, a business, and a future. When I got back to Ontario, I was a widow, single mother, homeless, and unemployed. Needless to say, life would never be the same again.

This is not a story written as a ploy for pity or sympathy. I write this to paint a picture of how quickly, and drastically, life can change without warning. I could never, in a million years, have predicted what was going to happen. But happen it did, and now I had a choice to make. I could succumb to the darkness that was plaguing my heart, bury myself under sadness and defeat, or... be strong for my daughter and use this nightmare as the catalyst for a better me.

I chose the latter. Of course, having a 3-year old to look after made it hard to make any other choice. I immediately decided to stop wasting time on petty grievances. I was going to start going after my true desires, and use this experience as my fuel for happiness and helping others. I didn't want my daughter to lose another parent (this one to depression). She deserved better.

I wanted more positivity in my life, but the circus that my life had become, now had me suffering from high anxiety again. I tripled the medication I had been taking, started talking to a grief counsellor, and moved in with my parents. YIKES! Is there a worse formula for disaster?!? Lol. (That's a joke. I have a sarcastic sense of humour;)

Seriously though, it wasn't easy. I hadn't lived with my parents for almost 20 years. I know they meant well, but they came from the generation that buries their grief, and believes you need to "get over it." There were some pretty tense moments, but they were there for us, in the best way they knew how to be. I am nothing but grateful for their love and support.

A year later, I decided to throw myself into developing ways to use my life as a learning experience for helping others going through something similar. I found Positive Psychology, Resilience Training, and Coaching. I became certified in each, and continue to be fully engaged in all things personal development.

For the last 8 years I have been studying under the world's best self improvement specialists, researchers, psychologists, coaches, and teachers. Some of which include: Tony Robbins, Dr. Shefali Tsabary, Kristin Neff, Rick Hansen, Carol Dweck, Simon Sinek, Stephen Covey, and Martin Seligman, among many others.

I could have never come so far in my life without the knowledge of these amazing people. It is because of their research, teachings, and books that I have been able to come out of the stranglehold of anxiety and uncertainty that I was in after the loss of my husband. I have found my passion. I am awakening to who I am and what I really want from this life. I am becoming me!

Life can be really, really hard sometimes. Adversity knows no boundaries. It comes for us all. The knowledge I now have allows me to confront my challenges, fears, and traumas with an inner strength that brings acceptance for what is, without personal destruction. I am now able to feel confident in saying, "whatever happens, I will handle it."

I will be writing about the instances in my life that could have led to increased anxiety, depression, self-loathing, and the like, but they didn't. They didn't because I am becoming the master of my thoughts, emotions, and actions. I'm not a true master yet, because these tools and teachings require constant practice and implementation. However, my dedication ensures that someday I will be.

I've gone from being a very insecure, anxious, people-pleaser, to an assertive, self-accepting, confident work in progress (because there is always more to learn;). This is the me I've wanted to be for many years. I am ashamed that it took such a traumatic event to finally get me there (in my 40s). I don't believe that it has to be that way. I want to help you find your strength and confidence without the trauma. Unfortunately, that's what it took to wake me up. I don't want that for you. I want to save you some unnecessary suffering. Why? Simply, because I can.

Losing my husband was my worst nightmare realized. How does one turn that into a gift? It's not the losing that's the gift. It's being able to find the gift within the loss, and gain something positive out of something terrible. That is what I was able to do. To place myself in a position of post-traumatic growth, instead of post-traumatic stress.

So please, read my posts. Read the ones that speak to you. All are accounts of my personal experiences and how I have used my new knowledge to handle anything life throws my way ;). If I can do it, so can you.

There's a famous quote by Gandhi that I really like..."You must be the change you want to see in the world." My version says, "Be the change you wish to see in YOUR world."

Love,

Holli xo